Cricket Jokes

1.200 yards
The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said 'I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there.'

'Don't be silly,' said the wicket-keeper. 'You'll never hit her at two hundred yards.
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2.Ajit and Viv Richards
Ajit: Maikal, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?

Maikal: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakke maar raha hai.

Ajit: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.

Maikal: Yes Boss.

AJIT: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai .......
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3.Aliens and Cricket
Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs.

They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed.

When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen.

"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."

"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"

"Then it begins to rain."
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4.Azhar's Batting
Indian Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)

Caller :"Can I talk to Azharuddin Please,I am his friend and
calling from Hyderabad."

Indian Team Manager:"Sorry,he went to bat"

Azharuddin's friend:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"
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5.Cricket and Divorce
DIVORCE COURT SCENE :
The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG):
Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live
with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never
beat anybody !!!
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6.Cricket Books that cannot be
Foolproof Fielding - Saurav Ganguly
Evils of Gambling - Shane Warne and Mark Waugh
Diplomacy - Umpire Darrel Hair
My Maiden Test Century- Courtney Walsh (only the covers printed so far)
Books from Geoffrey Boycott - Playing For Your Team, French Conversation Skills, 101 Ways to Show Her You Care with the sequel Understanding Women.
Javagal Srinath's Fitness Secrets
The Catcher In The Deep - Venkatesh Prasad
A Tail Of Two Runs - Anil Kumble, Ajit Agarkar, Javagal Srinath and Venkatesh Prasad
Every Which Way But The Stumps - Indian fielders
The Art of Clapping - Ajay Jadeja
The Silence of the Keepers - Nayan Mongia & Moin Khan
Cheery Press Conferences I have known - Mohammed Azharuddin
Big Hitting - Rahul Dravid
Facing Fast Bowlers - Ajay Jadeja
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7.Cricket in 5 sentences
What is cricket ?

* You have two sides one out in the field and one in .
* Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .
* When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .
* Sometimes you get men still in and not out .
* When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !

HOWZAT !!!!!
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8.Cricket, Heaven and Hell
A very keen cricketer asked a divine, allegedly with good connections on high , whether there was any cricket in heaven .

The priest replied:"I cant tell you now , but if you come back on Sunday , I might have an answer . "

On sundaythe priest told the cricketer : "I've had good news and bad news . The good news is : Yes , there is cricket in heaven . And now for the bad news : You are in to bat on Friday !"


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The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.

"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.


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A cricket enthusiast died and went to hell. After a few days, the Devil came up to him and said, 'What do you feel like doing today? You can have anything you like.'

'Well,' said the cricketer, I can't think of nothing better than a game of cricket. Can we do that?'

'Certainly,' said the Devil, and off they went to get changed. They arrived at a beautiful pitch, and the batsman in his new gear took up a stance. Nothing happpened.

'Come on then,' he said to the Devil, 'bowl the first ball.'

'Ah, that's the Hell of it,' said the Devil. 'We haven't got any balls
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9.Cricketer's Name Acronyms
Cricketers' names and what they really stand for
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Sanath - Swings At Nearly Anything That's Hurled
Kambli - Killed All Mediocre Bowling, Left Immediately
Kapil - Killed Aspiring Pacemen In Land
Sohail - Swore Once, Heralding An Infamous Loss
Prasad - Promised Revenge Against Sohail And Delivered
More - Mouthing Obscene Rubbish Everywhere
Gavaskar - Grafting Away Valiantly, Always Successfully Killed Any Result
Goes Around Venting Angry Spiel Kicking About Rudely
Azhar - At Zenith Had Ambrose Reeling
Azharuddin - Almost Zaheer-like His Artistry, Rivetting Umpteen ...Devoted Doting Indian Nationals
Vishy - Vodka Is Sweet, He Yells
Tendulkar - Tiny, Exciting, Neverending Dynamo Undyingly Labours, Keeps A Record
Amarnath - After Many A Reincarnation, Now Acknowledged Top Hand
Prasanna - Prince Radiant Among Spinners, Astutely Nailed Nimble
Attackers
Bedi - Beautifully Executed Deliveries Indefinitely
Chandra - Cleverly Hides Another Nagging Delivery Really Accurately
Shastri - Shall His Achivements Still Truly Remain Interred?
Srinath - Simply Ravishing Incutters, Not A Ten-wicket Haul |
Kumble - Killer Universal, Makes Batsmen Leave Embarassed
Sidhu - Shall I Drop Him Unfairly?
Mongia - Many Of Nayan's Gatherings Instigate Admiration
Chetan - Cantering Hurriedly, Ends-up Throwing Another No-ball
Raman - Remember, All Madrasis Are Nervous
Amol - Another Mumbai-ite Overly Lauded ?
Muzumdar - Mediocre Underachiever Zealously Undertakes Many Drives And
Run-outs

Ankola - Another Non Karnatakan Obviously Lacking Ability
Kuruvilla - Keralite Under Relocation Ultimately Vanquished In Lady
Luck's
Arena

Waqar - With A Quirky Ambulating Run-up
Qadir - Quirky And Dancing In Run-up
Salim - Silken And Lovely is Malik

Malik - Making A Little Illegally To Keep
Miandad - Made India A Nation, Devastated And Demoralised
Abbas - Another Batsman Better Against Spin
Inzamam - In New Zealand A Magical Artillery Man
Afridi - A Fabulous Record In Debut Innings
Mushtaq - Maybe Under Shane, However Turns Amazingly Quickly
Saqlain - Such A Queer Loser Against India Nowadays
Saeed Anwar - Solid, Authoritative, Elegant, Energetic Destroyer And
Never
Will Act Rudely

Muralitharan - Makes Umpires Really Anxious; Look Into The Hairy
Annals,
Read A Newsgroup

Hadlee - Has Always Destroyed Lesser Experienced Enemies
Botham - Bat Only To Hit Against Mediocres Brings Out The Hash After
Meals

Lara - Loutish Although Really Amazing
Richards - Risk In Crises Has Aroused Rare Devastating Shots
Marshall - Murderous Angry Rebel Shall Harm All Lily-livered Lilies
Bradman - Brilliant Ruler Always Delighted Many A Newcomer - Bragging
Rights Always Demand Magnificently Astronomic Numbers

Gatting - Glutton Aiming Towards Tons In Numerous Grounds
- God...Almighty,that Tweaker Is Never Going |
Gower - Gifts Of Willow Ever Resplendent Gentlemanly Outlook, Wants
Easy Runs
Garner - Giant Arms Really Necessitate Extreme Reactions
Holding - He Often Laughingly Demolished Intently Navigating Grafters
Border - Boisterous Old Rabbit Downed Enviable Records
Boycott - Boring Old Yorkshireman Could Outlast Testing Times
Hooper - Hopes Of Outstanding Performances Ever Ridiculed
Illingworth - Idiotic Lousy Loser Invariably Never Grasped Worth of
Ramprakash, Then Hick
Sobers - Simply Outstanding Batsman Effortlessly Repeats Sixes
-Supreme Only Bradman Ever Rated Similarly
Kanhai - King Amongst Noblemen Hardly Affected Invidiously
Hughes - Hellishly Ugly Guy Had Excellent Spells
Jardine - Jeopardising All Relations, Dastardly Introduced Neanderthal
England

Kalu - Keeping And Lashing Unendingly
Donald - Don't Overdo, Nearly Another Ligament Damaged
Rhodes - Rather Hyperactive Oddball Defies Expected Standards
Wessels - Workmanlike Emigrator Scored Slowly Encompassing Lengthy
Spells

Lillee - Loves Injuring Lily Livered Earnest Englishmen
Knott - Keeper Number One, Tried & Tested
Miller - Movie Idol Looks, Leading English Rout
Twose - Trier Who Only Succeeded Emigrating
Adams - Another Dasher Against Mediocre Spin
Browne - Bottom Ranked Of Wicketkeepers Nearly EVER | Bringing Really
Ordinary Wicketkeeping Near Everybody

Crowe - Can Really Overdo Whacking Everything
Nash - Narcotics Aren't So Hot

Hart - Hashish Ain't Really Terrific
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10.Cricketers in Disguise
After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team in
final of PEPSI CUP 99 in Bangalore, the team members were not able to
show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and
rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

Dravid could not resist for too long to be in hometown and still not be
able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a
Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets
him "Hi Dravid!"

Surprised for having been caught he comes back and
makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet same
again - the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".

Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another
try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain
- the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking,

"How did you recongise me?"

The lady replied - "I am Javagal Srinath!"
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11.England Cricket Team Jokes
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
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12.Ganguly's Favorite Movie
Q. What is Ganguly's favorite movie?

A. Gone in 60 seconds.
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13.Indian Cricket Team Questions
What is the height of optimism ?
Ganguly coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Indian Innings.

Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?
In Advertisements.

When would ganguly have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.
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14.New Rules for Indian Cricket
1) Declaring the winner: If Pakistan bats first and scores x runs then
the target for India will be revised to x/2. They need to score (x/2)+1
runs to be declared winner. If India bats first then the number of overs
for Pakistan will be reduced to 25. Even after these modifications India
contrive to lose, they will be awarded psychological victory.

2) Fielding restrictions: When India is fielding, as soon as any fielder
touches the ball, it will be deemed as dead ball and Pakistan batsmen
will only be allowed to complete that run. This modification is being
done to eliminate time being wasted for overthrows etc.

3) By popular demand from Indian players, a few additional coaches have
been included in the touring party with immediate effect. They are,
Batting coach : Ravi Shastri
Bowling Coach(with experience in Sharjah conditions) : Chetan
Sharma
Fielding Coach : Ravi Shastri(Dual responsibility)
TV Commercials Coach : Salman Khan
Video Coach : Name will be announced later

4) As the deadline to submit final 15 players for the 1999 World Cup is
over, the result of the match on 18th April between 1983 Indian team and
the current team will not have any bearing on the team going to England.

Any other suggestions are welcome. We at the ICC would like to
ascertain again our commitment to spread the game of cricket globally, from Mozambique to Maldives and from Turkmenistan to Tibet.

Thanking You.
Yours Sincerely,
Jagmohan Dalmiya
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15.Ode to Saurav Ganguly
Nagma boli kem chhey kem chhey kem chhey
Dada bole eim chhey eim chhey eim chhey
runs nahin bante hain matches mein
arrey yeh to game chhey game
chhey game chhey game chhey
Jab ball ko maine dekha aur dekh ke maara shot
sneak liya ball ne aur ho gaya main caught
last time tha score less than 10
aur is baar bhi same chhey same chhey
same chhey same chhey
Jab fielding ki thi baari to chhode maine catch
mere kaaran hi India ne haare itne match
khelta hoon itna ghatiya par mujhko
aati nahin shame chhey shame
chhey shame chhey shame chhey
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